Naturally, a “lover girl summer” is a summer spent embracing romantic love and channeling your inner lover girl—according to social media, anyway. It’s in the same family as “hot girl summer,” “rot girl summer,” or whatever variation of “[blank] girl summer” you’ve seen as the caption on someone’s end-of-August Instagram dump. Adopting a “[blank] girl summer” mindset for the season may sound a bit silly or performative, but if it makes you more productive or intentional with how you treat yourself and others, I’m all for it.

My pick for a “[blank] girl summer” mindset this year? Lover girl summer, of course. I grew up on Barbie princess movies and Fearless by Taylor Swift, so the development of my lover girl trait was basically inevitable. When I imagine the ideal lover girl summer, it looks like the life lived by the heroine in an Emily Henry rom-com: traipsing through a small town on vacation, watching the sunset on the beach, laughing loudly with friends, and spending too long inside a local indie bookstore.

Of course, another key experience of being a rom-com heroine or having a lover girl summer is *checks notes* being in love. Oh, right. Almost forgot that part.

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Here’s the thing: I’m very happily single. Nothing sounds worse to me than dating right now. I refuse to even venture into casual dates or browse a dating app for “fun.” After getting out of a dead-end relationship last year, the past several months of being single have felt like freedom. Now that I’m not directing all my love to another person, I’ve relearned how to love myself. Nothing could be more lover girl than that.

My version of a lover girl summer isn’t just focused on romantic love, but on love in all forms: It’s showing up for my friends and loving them loudly; it’s choosing to be gentle when faced with venom; it’s spending quality time with my family; it’s complimenting a stranger just to make them smile; it’s being kind to myself, above all else. I’ll get my fix of romantic love this summer from movies and novels, and I’m totally okay with that. Even without being in love, there is so much love around me and within me.

Since I’m fully committed to the lover girl summer bit, I’ve rounded up some ways I’m embracing love in all forms this summer—and I hope it’ll inspire you to embrace love, too.

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My Lover Girl Summer Activities List

1. Write love letters

By writing love letters, I don’t mean professing my romantic feelings for someone and cinematically spraying the paper with my perfume. Definitely not. What I mean is, I’m writing about love a lot this summer, in many different ways. Sometimes, it’s a text to my best friend about how much I miss her and want to hang out with her again soon (despite seeing her like, three days ago). Other times, it’s leaving a thoughtful comment on a Substack essay, just so the author knows they inspired me. Or it’s making progress on the first draft of my romance novel, even on lazy days when I’d rather doom scroll than write. Being single, I often feel like I have so much love in me, but nowhere to put it. When that feeling hits, why not put it into words? If Taylor Swift can spend her whole life doing it, so can I.

2. Wear my hair naturally curly

I typically feel most confident with my hair straightened, but I’m making an effort to wear my natural curls this summer. Ever heard of the curly hair theory that trended on TikTok? Basically, it’s the idea that women tend to wear our natural curls when we’re in a secure, happy relationship. As romantic attachments strengthen, insecurities fall, and women let their natural curls take shape. It’s a cute idea, but I’d like to propose a revision: Women tend to wear our natural curls when we’re secure and happy, regardless of relationship status. I’m single, happy, and wearing my imperfect frizzy waves whenever I want. No, I didn’t develop a magical new confidence in my hair overnight; I still dislike my curls sometimes, but wearing them anyway is what matters. Nothing says “lover girl summer” more than teaching myself to love the hair I was born with.

3. Prioritize my friendships

As my friends and I near our mid-twenties, it’s becoming apparent how much we’re growing in our own directions. We’re not growing apart—we see each other often, laugh again and again at an ongoing joke we started in middle school, and fill our group chat with gossip and mundane updates daily. Rather, we’re starting to grow into new cities, schools, and careers while keeping each other along for the ride. With two of us moving away for law school and graduate school at the end of the summer, I’m prioritizing getting us all together now more than ever. That means making sure our plans actually leave the group chat—and, when there are no plans, creating random excuses to see each other (like, let’s order takeout and do our laundry together because I love you!)

4. Romanticize the mundane

Unfortunately, I have to go to work today—but I’m going to open up my sunroof and blast my favorite summertime playlist on the way there, and I’m unbelievably excited about that! This summer, I’m all about romanticizing the mundane and looking for little things to love everywhere I go. Any activity that feels like it could fit into the feel-good montage at the beginning of a rom-com movie—like making my morning coffee or strutting into work in a confidence-boosting outfit—I’m romanticizing. Now that I’ve stopped looking for love in another person, I’m finding it sprinkled around in every pocket of life instead. Even the smallest, most insignificant things feel sparkly.

Now, for some more things to get into the lover girl summer spirit:

My Lover Girl Summer Reading List

Some of these I’ve read, others are currently sitting on my TBR. I’d love to hear all your book-related thoughts and recommendations in the comments!

• Everything I Know About Love by Dolly Alderton

• Love in Color: Mythical Tales from Around the World, Retold by Bolu Babalola

• Forget Me Not by Alyson Derrick

• She Gets the Girl by Alyson Derrick and Rachael Lippincott

• Late Bloomer by Mazey Eddings

• Great Big Beautiful Life by Emily Henry

• Sunburn by Chloe Michelle Howarth

• Atmosphere by Taylor Jenkins Reid

• Wild Things by Laura Kay

• Almost Life by Kiran Millwood Hargrave

• That Summer Feeling by Bridget Morrissey

• Next Time Will Be Our Turn by Jesse Q. Sutanto

• Seven Days in June by Tia Williams

• The Roughest Draft by Emily Wibberley

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My Lover Girl Summer Watchlist

Here are shows and movies I’m watching and rewatching this summer.

• 50 First Dates

• Bottoms

• But I’m a Cheerleader

• Daisy Jones & The Six

• Girls Like Girls

• Heartstopper

• People We Meet on Vacation

• The Summer I Turned Pretty

• To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before

• Wedding Season

My Lover Girl Summer Playlist

This playlist features all the lover girl summer essentials: love songs, independent girl anthems, and songs with undeniably perfect vibes for a summer drive with the windows down.

Now, go live out the lover girl summer of your dreams! Or whatever other “[blank] girl summer” floats your boat. Thank you for reading. I appreciate you <3

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EXPERIENCES

Memorable moments from June

• Visited my grad school campus for the first time

• Went to a Sadie Jean concert at the El Rey in LA (I love tiny venues!)

• Went to the Ariana Grande merch pop-up and concert on back-to-back days

• Got coffee and the barista wrote “Hanna Banana” on my cup :)

• Watched my first-ever episode of Love Island USA in my best friend’s hot tub and got told I had a concerned look on my face the entire time

• Got gas in LA that cost less than $5

BOOKS

What I read in June

• Is This a Cry for Help? by Emily Austin

  • Austin’s writing is a masterclass in creating an interesting, flawed main character whom readers root for from page one. I was so impressed by how she juggled the various pieces of her main character, Darcy’s, life (job, marriage, hobbies, friends) while also delivering a satisfying arc for Darcy’s internal conflict: the grief she feels for her ex-boyfriend after his passing. After every Austin book I read, I find myself thinking, Oh my god, I wish I wrote that.

• Her Name in the Sky by Kelly Quindlen

  • Hi, you’re meeting me at a very YA lesbian literature time in my life! I finally picked this one up after staring at it on my TBR list for several years. I’m still reading it, but loving it so far!

MUSIC

What I had on repeat in June

• you seem pretty sad for a girl so in love by Olivia Rodrigo

  • Olivia Rodrigo just released her best album yet, and we must talk about it! What I love most about it is the nuance: While Rodrigo sings about someone breaking her heart, she also examines how she broke her own heart by staying with this person for too long. Currently, my favorite tracks are “cigarette smoke,” “the cure,” and “maggots for brains.” Also, this album resulted in some really awesome edits on TikTok.

• girls like girls the album by Hayley Kiyoko

  • I’ve had this on repeat ever since the Girls Like Girls movie came out! I love that every song expands on a small detail in the movie. I love them all, but my current favorites are “collide,” “trophy,” and “periwinkle princess.”

• “Look at My Life” by Gracie Abrams

• “Lost Boys” by Phoebe Bridgers

• “Safe Places” by Cassidy King

• “Triple Dog Dare” by Lucy Dacus

MOVIES & SHOWS

What I watched in June

• Girls Like Girls

  • I didn’t expect to be so deeply affected by a coming-of-age teen romance movie—until I realized it was the first movie I’d watched on a big screen about two Asian girls falling in love. I rarely get to see myself reflected on screen in that way. I loved it so much that I watched it four times in theaters, then wrote this essay about it.

• Barbie in the 12 Dancing Princesses and Barbie and the Magic of Pegasus

  • Best news ever: These two iconic Barbie movies are now free on YouTube.

• Backrooms

• Toy Story 5

• Grey’s Anatomy

• Station 19

PHOTOS

A digital scrapbook of June

Before I go, I have to share that this TikTok edit also really shaped my June. And this one.

Much love to you, my little Substack community. I’m grateful you exist. Happy July <3

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At fourteen years old, Hayley Kiyoko’s “Girls Like Girls” music video curiously graced my YouTube home page. My queerness was still new to me at the time, and I had never heard of this song or music video before—but there it was, sitting at the top of my recommended video feed like a blessing from Lesbian Jesus herself. I was home alone after school, and I pressed play on the video with the comfort of knowing no one was around to know I did. Like every other young queer girl who found “Girls Like Girls” during her formative years, I fell in love with it instantly (and deleted it from my YouTube history every time I watched it, lol).

Today, “Girls Like Girls” isn’t just a song and music video, but an entire franchise. Kiyoko wrote a bestselling novel of the same name, then adapted it into a feature film. The film, which hit theaters on June 19, 2026, beautifully blends romance with a coming-of-age story: Seventeen-year-old Coley moves to her estranged father’s home in rural Oregon following her mother’s passing. She befriends local girl Sonya, and their connection quickly builds into much more than friendship. However, being abandoned too many times in the past, Coley fears she isn’t deserving of love. Meanwhile, Sonya has never been with a girl before, and struggles to be honest about her feelings. Before they can love each other, both girls have to learn to love and accept themselves.

Having seen the movie three times since its release, I wish Girls Like Girls had been in theaters when I was fourteen and first coming to terms with my queerness. Watching a love story between two teenage Asian lesbians like me would’ve made me feel less alone. However, I’m also glad the movie came out when it did. Even at twenty-three, Girls Like Girls touched me in a way I didn’t know I needed: It made me realize that, despite being out to many people in my life, I still tend to run away from my queerness—and it’s okay to stop.

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In the movie’s penultimate scene, Coley finds Sonya alone at a party and sits beside her:

SONYA: I’m so tired of living like this. All I do is run.

COLEY: You could stop.

SONYA: I could.

The scene marks their reconciliation after weeks of distance and fighting. Sonya is finally ready to stop running from her feelings for Coley, and Coley is ready to accept the love she knows she deserves.

Both girls’ tendency to run from their feelings, but particularly Sonya’s, resonates deeply with my experience of coming to terms with my queerness. As a teenager, I was so afraid of what people thought of me that I felt the need to lock up every part of my identity. If no one really knew me, they couldn’t judge me. My lesbian identity was included in that. Any lesbian who’s ever been in the closet knows how that goes: You never bring up your dating life. If someone else does, you deflect. You feel out of place in conversations with non-lesbian women, especially when they talk about men. If someone asks the dreaded “Do you have a boyfriend?” question, you lie. At all costs, you hold your queerness away from curious eyes and close to your chest, and protect it there.

Being a lesbian was my biggest secret, one that I yearned to tell but loved the pain of keeping. I liked being the only one who knew me. It felt lonely and achey, but also safe. I had no idea that locking myself away for so long would be difficult to undo later.

Now, after nearly ten years of knowing I’m a lesbian, I’m at a point where I don’t want to keep it a secret anymore—but I don’t always know how. When you’ve hidden yourself away for that long, it becomes an unfortunate case of muscle memory. Even after slowly coming out to my loved ones over the years, I still find myself flinching and freezing when the topic of my dating life comes up in small talk. My brain runs through its same old habits again, like I’m still that teenager who swore her queerness to secrecy: deflect, lie, protect. I want to be who I am, loudly and confidently—but how can I, when I’ve only ever been that version of myself in secret?

If you’re looking for an answer to that question, I’m afraid I don’t have one. I’m still learning how to be my authentic self every day. I will probably still be learning five, ten, fifteen years from now. That’s the thing about being queer: You never stop coming out, ever. There will always be instances, big or small, where you’ll have to choose between being yourself and protecting yourself.

Protecting yourself isn’t always a bad thing; sometimes, it’s even necessary. You never owe anyone a coming out, especially if doing so would compromise your safety or well-being. But when I’m in a safe environment with people I love, “protecting” my identity feels more like running from an imaginary threat. I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to run just because I know I can.

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The final scene of Girls Like Girls is a beautiful reminder of what happens when you stop running from your authentic self and start running toward it. Coley is walking home from the party when Sonya chases after her and kisses her in broad daylight. Then, Sonya makes Coley promise to message her that night:

SONYA: You better not break your promise this time.

COLEY: I won’t.

SONYA: I know where you live, I’ll hunt you down!

COLEY: Yeah, I’m counting on it.

When you start accepting and loving yourself, you also start accepting love from others—and, more importantly, believing you deserve it.

Girls Like Girls reminded me that I like life so much more when I’m not running away from who I am. While I’m still learning how to be open about my queerness with other people, I am certain of one thing: I love being a lesbian. It’s my favorite part of myself, and I never could’ve said that ten years ago. From a music video secretly watched in my childhood bedroom to a feature film, I have Girls Like Girls to thank for helping me get this far. The story may be fictional, but as a young Asian lesbian woman, I can’t help but believe in it. I believe Coley and Sonya’s happy ending exists for me, too—and I feel a little braver now to stop running from it.

Note: This post is about my personal experience with identity and coming out. I hope it inspires you, but please remember that coming out should be done on your own timeline, especially if it may compromise your safety. Your safety and well-being should always come first. In the meantime, know that you are loved and awaited by the rest of us <3

EXPERIENCES

Memorable moments from the past month

• Attended a private Olivia Rodrigo concert (technically, this happened on April 24, but I’m still freaking out about it)

• Camped for a weekend in Big Sur

• Watched my best friend graduate from college

• Consumed an ungodly amount of boba

• Checked out books from my local library

• Started writing on Substack!

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BOOKS

What I read in May

• Fly with Me by Andie Burke

  A sapphic romance book is always in my reading rotation. After finishing this one, I’ve decided that more romance books should take place at Disney World.

• The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood

  I’m still only halfway through this one. The subject matter is so heavy, I have to take it in slowly. But it’s beautifully written, and I’m really liking it so far.

MUSIC

What I had on repeat in May

• Florescence by Maisie Peters

  I’ve loved Maisie’s pop music for a few years now, and hearing her go folk made me love her even more. My favorites from the album right now are “Old Fashioned,” “Flat Earther,” “Houses,” and “You Then Me Now.” Much of this album is about letting go of things that no longer give you happiness, and I’ve been doing a lot of that this year. How wonderful it is to move on from the things that were wrong for you—and to listen to Maisie Peters on repeat while you do it.

• The Great Divide: The Last of the Bugs by Noah Kahan

  Whenever I press play on this album, I truly can’t find the will to turn it off. “Willing and Able” is a song I think everyone should listen to, and “Staying Still” is proof that Noah Kahan is one of the best songwriters out there.

• “Traitor (Roles Reversed)” by Megan Moroney

  The best bridge to scream in the car, ever. I’ve been looking forward to this song since before her Cloud 9 album dropped, and I’m so glad it’s finally here. Everyone seeing her on tour this year is so lucky—I’m really hoping I can find myself a ticket!

MOVIES & SHOWS

What I watched in May

• The Devil Wears Prada 2

  Dare I say, I loved this movie more than the original! I wrote a whole article full of The Devil Wears Prada-related thoughts, without any spoilers for the sequel, if you’re curious.

• Passenger

  Would you believe it if I said I’m a lifelong horror movie fanatic, but this is the first one I’ve ever seen in a movie theater? I usually like to watch my horror movies in pajamas on my cousin’s couch while we share Wingstop fries, but seeing this in theaters was so much fun.

• Obsession

  This movie made me feel sick to my stomach, which is exactly what it aims to accomplish. It’s brilliant and a must-watch, even if horror isn’t your usual genre.

• Letters to Juliet

  I rewatched this movie for the first time in years, and I still love it so much. The scene where Sophie opens a wedding invitation and “Love Story” by Taylor Swift plays in the background is PEAK CINEMA!

• Grey’s Anatomy

  I am never not watching this show. Lexie Grey, I miss you deeply.

PRODUCTS

Things I bought and loved in May

• Revlon Photo Ready Instant Plump Serum (Shade: Lip Floaties)

  I bought the shade Megan Moroney wears, duh.

• Abercrombie Menswear Bomber Jacket

  As a fan of all things baggy and boxy, this jacket is my new obsession.

PHOTOS

A digital scrapbook of May

Thank you for being here. Happy June <3

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Music is a big part of why I write. Song lyrics inspire me just as much as books do to tell my own stories. As a fiction writer, songs that read like short stories (think “Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman) have always been my favorite. I often think of my music fanhood and passion for writing as separate parts of my life: The former involves vinyl collecting and dancing under concert confetti with my friends, while the latter is a college degree and typing away in solitude. But, really, they’ve always been intertwined.

Earlier this month, the wonderful writer Daelyn posted an article listing her favorite song lyrics that stopped her in her tracks when she first heard them. Daelyn’s Substack is one of my absolute favorites and regularly leaves me feeling inspired; I loved her list so much that I had to create my own.

Here are song lyrics that I love so much, they could wake me up from a hypothetical coma if I heard them.

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“When you cut a hole into my skull, do you hate what you see, like I do?” — “Souvenir,” boygenius

“Head full of whiskey, but I always deliver. Jesus, if you’re listening, let me handle my liquor. And Jesus, if you’re there, why do I feel alone in this room with you?” — “American Teenager,” Ethel Cain

“I think I’m burning alive, but nobody sees the fire” — “Block me out,” Gracie Abrams

“I loved you so hard for a time, so why am I clawing at you to survive?” — “Two people,” Gracie Abrams

“I want you to tell me that you miss me. I want you to hold and hurt and kiss me. I wanna run away and live on your family’s boat. It’s a triple dog dare; you’re a chicken if you don’t” — “Triple Dog Dare,” Lucy Dacus

“So forgive me if I jump at the rattle of your keys, ‘Oh, are you leaving?’ ‘No, babe, I’m just waking up’” — “Doors,” Noah Kahan

“All love must leave, but, oh, search for it, I will. Honey, tell me, are you good at staying still?” — “Staying Still,” Noah Kahan

“I wish you could know me. I wish I could know you much more sometimes. I wish I could do nothing with you” — “Willing and Able,” Noah Kahan

“Women’s hearts are lethal weapons. Did you hold mine and feel threatened? Hear my lyrics, taste my venom. You are still my great obsession” — “History Of Man,” Maisie Peters

“If I’m not careful, I’ll wake up, and we’ll be married, and I’ll still flinch at the sound of a door” — “Wendy,” Maisie Peters

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“The arguments that I have won against you in my head in the shower, in the car, and in the mirror before bed. Yeah, I’m so tough when I’m alone, and I make you feel so guilty, and I fantasize about a time you’re a little fucking sorry” — “the grudge,” Olivia Rodrigo

“And I know in my heart, hurt people hurt people. And we both drew blood, but, man, those cuts were never equal” — “the grudge,” Olivia Rodrigo

“When you said, ‘I will never be your vegetable because I think when you’re gone, it’s forever.’ But you know I’d stand on a corner, embarrassed with a picket sign, if it meant I would see you when I die” — “Chinese Satellite,” Phoebe Bridgers

“It’d be so nice, right, right? To take it all off and just exist and skinny dip in water under the bridge” — “skinny dipping,” Sabrina Carpenter

“I used to be somebody’s first call, last kiss, talking about our future kids. Now we’re saying nothing at all” — “Somebody’s Everything,” Sadie Jean

“Now I wanna sell my house and set fire to all my clothes and hire a priest to come and exorcise my demons. And I hope you hear it” — “The Black Dog,” Taylor Swift

“And I hope the sun shines and it’s a beautiful day, and something reminds you, you wish you had stayed” — “Last Kiss,” Taylor Swift

“I should’ve kept every grocery store receipt, ‘cause every scrap of you would be taken from me” — “marjorie,” Taylor Swift

“I made you my temple, my mural, my sky. Now, I’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life” — “tolerate it,” Taylor Swift

“Nothing safe is worth the drive, and I will follow you, follow you home” — “Treacherous,” Taylor Swift

The lyrics you see here are only one-third of the list I originally made for this post. I just might have to post again soon to share the rest. If you have a favorite song lyric that could wake you from a hypothetical coma, I’d love to hear it—so feel free to share in a comment <3

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SAD makes everyday interactions and experiences feel catastrophic. Most people wouldn’t think twice about small talk with a stranger, getting up in the middle of a lecture to find the restroom, or chatting with a friend you haven’t seen in a while—but those of us with SAD often feel intense anxiety during these situations. Afterward, we might spend days anxiously rethinking our behaviors, interactions, and conversations, afraid we might have embarrassed ourselves.

Everyone gets shy, nervous, and embarrassed from time to time, but SAD is more than that: It’s intense fear that interferes with daily life, often to the point of straining our relationships and setting us back in work or school. I’ve had SAD for my whole life. For me, it looks like this: worrying myself to tears before going to the retail job I’ve had for two years, because talking to customers still terrifies me; withdrawing from college classes that required extensive participation or public speaking; avoiding going to new places alone; worrying about social gatherings for days before they happen, ultimately to skip them altogether; going to therapy to work on my SAD, only to be too afraid to talk about my SAD (oh, the irony).

I’ve recently realized that my social anxiety disorder interferes with my writing, too.

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In a college creative writing class, my professor once said that writer’s block doesn’t exist. That feeling of being creatively stuck, like an invisible barrier is standing between you and the flashing cursor on your blank page? “Writer’s block” is just a cute term for it. According to my professor, that stuck feeling can always be attributed to something else, like a bad case of perfectionism or burnout. For me, the stuck feeling is usually caused by my social anxiety.

Often, when I’m in the middle of writing something, the fear of people reading it hits me. That’s when I start to ruminate: Will people like this, or will they laugh? Is this too personal? Am I sharing too much? What if none of this sounds as interesting or eloquent as I want it to be? I worry so much because everything I write—whether it’s fiction, a personal essay, or a journalistic article—feels like an extension of me. Letting people read my writing incites the same anxiety as making small talk at a party or giving a presentation to a crowded room. I feel vulnerable and terrified.

You’d think that writing alone in my room would be the last place that social anxiety would hit me—because I’m alone, aren’t I? But it’s the anticipatory fear that Yale Medicine was talking about. I start writing, I anticipate people reading it, and I freeze with fear. The words I want to write are there in my head, but I’m too afraid to put them on paper. I don’t write as often as I want to, and it takes me forever to finish my projects, all because of my anxiety.

Yeah, I guess I can’t shrug that off as “just writer’s block.”

When I do finish a project and let people read it, my anxiety goes from anticipatory to real-time. Sharing my work in creative writing workshops in college was always terrifying. Listening to my peers (who were typically very kind and helpful with their feedback) discuss my work around me is what I imagine swimming in shark-infested water is like. You think I should switch up the dialogue? Okay, that feels like you just bit my arm off. You were confused by a scene in act two of the story? Oh, there goes my leg. You didn’t laugh at the line I thought everyone in the room would find funny? I’m literally bleeding out into the ocean. Death is near.

Logically, I know that no one is judging me as harshly as my anxiety makes me think they are. Critiques of my writing are not attacks on my character, and I actually want critiques, so my writing can improve. Something I’ve learned about managing my SAD is that I need to choose to listen to the logic in my head, not the anxiety. The anxiety will have me believing a warm, sparkling swimming pool is a shark-infested ocean—and I can’t let that fearful mindset dictate my life.

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I feel an intense amount of grief for the things I feel my anxiety has taken from me. The party I skipped, but I wish I had gone to. The friendships I could’ve formed if I just put myself out there more. The student I’d be if I could eagerly lead class discussions. The places I’d have visited if I weren’t so self-conscious about getting lost or going around alone. The unfinished drafts in my files that could be finished by now. My social anxiety is an endless cycle of avoiding, regretting, and grieving.

But it’s also persevering. In some twisted way, my achievements feel like they’re worth more to me because they were done despite my anxiety. As far as writing goes, I finished my undergrad degree in English and creative writing last year, and I’m going for my MFA this fall. I’ll be at a new school in a new city, meeting and writing with new people, and I’m much more excited than I am afraid. If I’ve made it this far with my anxiety, I can keep going.

If you’re reading this and finding any bit of it relatable, please remember not to count yourself out too early. Your anxiety doesn’t define you. You can keep going, too.

Social anxiety can often feel like a failure, but it is actually my greatest triumph. For every day that I was too anxious to leave my bed, there were ten days that I did. For every word I was too scared to write, there were a thousand others that I did.

To refresh my memory, I rewatched The Devil Wears Prada last night while I did my laundry. If you need a refresher, too, here’s a very brief one: Andy Sachs (played by Anne Hathaway), a 23-year-old rising journalist in NYC, takes a job as an assistant to a cunning fashion magazine editor-in-chief, Miranda Priestly (played by Meryl Streep). At first, Andy hates the job. She’s begrudgingly fetching coffee for Miranda and chasing down an unpublished Harry Potter manuscript for Miranda’s Grady sister-esque twins. But, a betrayal and a breakup later, she’s left a perfect impression on Miranda and accompanies her to Paris Fashion Week. At the end of the movie, Andy leaves her assistant job and interviews for a writing position at a newspaper—and we’re meant to assume she gets it, thanks to a recommendation from Miranda.

I loved this movie the last time I watched it, when I was a starry-eyed teenager who aspired to make writing my job. And I still love it—I forgot my laundry in the dryer twice because I couldn’t pull myself away from the screen. But now that I’m Andy’s age in the original movie, watching The Devil Wears Prada left me feeling gloomy. In my not-so-long-ago starry-eyed days, Andy’s swift rise to successful writer used to feel like a real possibility for my future. Now, her career and lifestyle feel completely unattainable.

Although The Devil Wears Prada isn’t a romantic comedy, Andy’s career definitely falls in the rom-com job category. If you haven’t heard of this glorious term, a rom-com job is exactly what it sounds like: A creative, quirky, and perhaps cliché job that you’d expect a rom-com protagonist to have. Think florist, bookstore owner, wedding planner, and flavor scientist for Celsius (duh). Andy’s assistant-to-journalist career progression fits right in here.

Alongside Andy, so many of the cool girls in the movies and TV shows I watched growing up were writers and journalists (Jenna from 13 Going On 30, Andie from How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days, and Rory from Gilmore Girls, to name a few). As a lifelong aspiring writer, I once envisioned my early twenties looking just like theirs: writing for a living, affording a fashionable apartment in a big city, having an unlimited budget for eating out, and wearing a different pleated mini skirt every day. My full-time writing job? Oh, it just fell into my lap after getting my degree. It pays for everything. I never get burnt out. I am perfect.

Silly, starry-eyed me. My early twenties are a lot more like this: writing, not getting paid for it, and clocking in at my retail job constantly. I am the 3563rd applicant for an unpaid writing internship on LinkedIn that requires a Bachelor’s degree and 30 hours of work per week. I don’t own a single pleated mini skirt. I am burnt out.

Huh. This feels nothing like the rom-com job life that was sold to me by The Devil Wears Prada et al. I’m no Andy Sachs. I’m Squidward when he moved to Squidville and slowly descended into insanity from living the same life every day. Not really the aesthetic I’m going for.

Unlike Andy and the other journalists of rom-coms past, much of the editorial work I’ve done since graduating from college has been volunteer work—meaning, I do it because I love it, completely unpaid. I find myself becoming resentful of that as time goes on. No, it’s not like anyone held a gun to my head and demanded I write them an article for free. I want to do it, and I reap many benefits from it, even if money isn’t one of them (great networking, my portfolio is stacked, plus writing is fun!). I’m very grateful for every writing opportunity I’ve had, and I know every publication under my name is a huge accomplishment.

But pouring my heart out into words, for free, can also be so, so draining.

I’ve spent many nights staring at my flashing cursor on a blank document, wondering what the hell I’m even doing. Is anyone even going to read this? Do I even care about the topic I’m writing about? Is it worth stressing over a deadline I’m not being paid to meet? What is this all for? Shit, I need to close my laptop and get some sleep if I don’t want to be a zombie at my retail job tomorrow morning. But I really need to write! Am I supposed to prioritize the thing I love and do for free, or the job that actually pays me? Neither. I’m going to stay up too late watching sad TikTok edits now, thank you.

I’m hoping other writers and artists out there can relate when I say: Churning out my work for free often feels like I am undermining my worth. Yet, I do it anyway. I have to. I’m not a cool girl in a 2000s movie, and a rom-com writing job won’t be handed to me based on my degree and one interview. Taking that unpaid editorial internship and submitting my work for free to magazines is what I need to do to move forward.

I know other recent grads will relate when I say: This job market is terrible, there are endless hoops to jump through, and it is exhausting. Even if it is the norm.

Writing isn’t all about money for me. Believe me, no one wants to be a writer because they think it’ll earn them the big bucks. But I can’t help but dream of my Andy Sachs moment: when my writing career takes off, and all this hard work means something.

I’ll keep writing until it happens. I’ll keep writing even if it never happens. I’m writing this article, aren’t I? That’s actually why I created this Substack: to write whatever I want, whenever I want. Between writing for magazines, submitting my short stories for publication, preparing to start my MFA program in the fall, and applying for every editorial job under the sun, I’ve been overwhelmed. I forget sometimes why I picked up the pen in the first place. I’m hoping writing for this Substack will help me remember.

No deadlines, no expectations, no feeling drained. Just writing for me.

And for you. Thanks for being here.

(Note: I’ve now seen The Devil Wears Prada 2, and it immediately takes the cake for best use of my AMC A-List subscription yet. Seeing Andy Sachs all grown up reminded me that I have so much time to get where I want to be. I’m also annoyed at how perfect Anne Hathaway is. It should be illegal to be that beautiful all the time!)